so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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