I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
