I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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