Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
