she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
