the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize