i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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