A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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