You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
