When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
