I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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