Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
