well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
