Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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