No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize