My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Someone came in the potted fern
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
