if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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