Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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