I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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