I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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