What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
