how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
