i can't believe i had my finger in that
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
