So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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