took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
