I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
