i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
