I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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