I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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