i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
