His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i out mim tonsoeep
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