john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
