i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
