This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
