oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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