Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
