I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
