I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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