I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
