He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
