I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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