You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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