i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
