What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
