Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
