Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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