They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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