The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
