she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dicks are not precious.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
