If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
