I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
being pregnant is like rehab
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
