The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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