Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
only if we run a train.
done.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
These tits shall not be calmed
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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