and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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