My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
