I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
