God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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