There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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