We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
