I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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