Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
